Diary Entry: Welcome Back?

Hi,

I don’t event know where to begin with this… I had every intention during lockdown two years ago that I would be this cool blogger girl, get it going and then the real fantasy of quitting my job to do something like this full time kicked in. And let’s face it, that is never going to happen… I don’t think I’m built for that lifestyle, I’m far to self-conscious of what other people think of me. (Hello people pleasing tendencies)

Anyway, life has gone on since lockdown and I have had a baby and gotten married and moved, all within a years time. I have shoved some of life’s greatest “milestones” into one calendar year and I could not be more exhausted and humbled by the joys all of these things have brought me. My life has grown from many changes and lifestyle changes and schedule changes, that blogging was the easiest thing to be forgotten about into the abyss of my computer. Now that we are coming up on a year of settling in our home, 3 months of marriage and our daughter is 13 months old, I’m feeling like dipping my toe into blogging again… Too much too soon? We’ll see.

One thing I would like to challenge myself with, is finding my outlet to have a sense of self. One thing I have realized recently is that I tie a lot of my identity with my job. And now with motherhood my identity is even more muddled (in the best way possible). I sadly, have hit a breaking point with losing myself and who I am, and I’m hyper aware of certain qualities I have that I don’t necessarily like or consider constructive. I am rambling… but I want to challenge myself to do things I enjoy and be a person I am proud of, and that Avery and Tyler would be proud of. I am more than my job, I am more than a mom, I am a lot of things! Now in this motivational last paragraph, you may be thinking “okay calm down, it’s a blog..” But for me this is way more than that, it is a way to continue to push myself to be better, talk about things that might be uncomfy but healthy to express. So welcome back to the blog, where I am going to show my life one post at a time.

Thank you for reading…

Diary Entry: I am Confused on Day 27

I am starting this diary about a month into quarantining. I stopped working on March 18th and have only been back into the store twice since then. Arizona went on shelter in place on March 31st and our stores, across the U.S, went from opening back up on April 1st to being closed indefinitely. Week one felt weird not being at work, and I learned that there is a distinct difference between taking time off at your own leisure, versus being told to. Week two was more of a reality check as things started to become more alarming in Arizona, and the rest of the world. Then week 3, and now entering week 4, are beginning to blend together in a whirlwind of anxiety, confusion and adjustment.

On day 27 I am beginning this post with my current state of mind; I’m confused. Some days I wake up feeling inspired and some days I just want to sit and watch TV all day. Some days I wish I could go back to work and some days I sit and think about how I like this new routine of not having to wake up at 4:30am. Then I think to myself I’m a bad person for thinking this way… and so begins the never-ending cycle of thoughts that have become my new normal. Whereas it used to be waking up at 4:30am and still being late to work, driving home in traffic, finding a way to get out of making dinner once I got home, and then going to bed. And my only thoughts were usually surrounded by work and calculating how long I can stay on the couch before I need to get up and make dinner, and how many hours of sleep I need to get up for work the next day.

I feel uptight, then content, I feel inspired, then bored.

I’m confused.

 Thoughts and worries are doing laps in my head, some of those thoughts are lapping the worries and some are holding up the back of the pack in what seems like a never ending race. I don’t want my brain, that has become this metaphorical track for my thoughts to burn out on, to deflate. I also don't want to drive Tyler and our dog Luna insane with constant worrying and overwhelming need for validation. I have elected my blog to be the best outlet and give myself a purpose while I’m home. I personally have found a lot of comfort in reading blogs and not only hearing what others are saying about the current state of the world, and their personal lives, but to also stay in touch with what I’m passionate about. If it's reading WhoWhatWear.com’s articles on styling clothes to work from home in, and what members of their team are doing that weekend. Or Leandra Cohen’s, from the blog Man Repeller, weekly dispatch’s where she talks about how she’s currently feeling/coping with life at home. If these posts can give me enjoyment, then I’m hoping I can add to this blogging world and bring some more enjoyment. I do know 25 people from Montreal have read my blog over the last week, to which I thank you, and even if no one stops by, it is still helpful to word vomit my passions onto this word document with the hope someone else can gain a smile or smirk from reading.

I’m going to end this post with my Top 5 Daily Reads that I had the pleasure of reading this morning.

Top 5 Daily Reads:

1.  Creative Look @ Your Closet: https://www.whowhatwear.com/summer-outfits-with-jeans

2.  To Inspire Some Thoughts: https://www.manrepeller.com/2020/04/quarantine-dispatch-005.html

3.     To Inspire Your Quarantine Style: https://www.manrepeller.com/2020/04/thoughtline-style-prompts.html

4.      Creative Look @ Current Events: https://www.thecut.com/2020/04/the-aesthetics-of-face-masks-in-the-age-of-coronavirus.html

5.   To Inspire Your Morning Routine:  https://damselindior.com/five-things-i-do-before-8am/